Virginia Man Rubs Bare Ass on Fruit and Veggies in Grocery Store Crime

MANASSAS, Va. (Associated Press) — A man is accused of rubbing his bare behind on produce at a grocery store in northern Virginia before putting the items back on display.

News outlets report 27-year-old Michael Dwayne Johnson, of Manassas, is charged with indecent exposure and destruction of property.

A Manassas police release says an employee on Saturday noticed Johnson grabbing produce, pulling down his pants and rubbing the produce on his behind before putting it back.

It says the store had to destroy several pallets of produce because of Johnson’s actions. A police spokeswoman says the report lists fruit as the ruined produce. Authorities have not released a motive.

Ohhhhh boy, Michael Dwayne Johnson had himself a time at the local grocery store on Saturday. For me when I visit the grocery store on the weekend it’s one of my favorite times of the week. I usually do the opposite of what you are supposed to and head to my local Publix around 3:30 pm when I’m starving and will make reckless decisions on my choices of food that will no doubt leave me eating take out by Wednesday. I see what the specials are and typically ignore those (because saving money is for nerds) and opt to fill my cart with a variety of different junk foods mixed in with about one or two healthy options to give myself the illusion that I’m a responsible adult.

Well I’ll tell you what, no more fucking healthy foods. I will no longer be enjoying fresh produce from any grocery store. Not with psychopaths like Michael Johnson on the loose running around wiping their assholes on my grapefruits and tomatoes. Seriously, what type of fucked things had to have happen in your life where you think making choices like this is in the realm of acceptable behavior? Did your parents force you to eat vegetables as a kid and this is somehow your response to get revenge against them? It’s much easier to just be a complete disappointment and still live in their basement at 27 like a normal millennial.  I mean, this would almost be more understandable if it were some cucumbers and bananas Michael was looking to experiment with. I don’t judge, to each their own. But no, he had to ruin the fresh fruits and veggies that end up rotting in the fridge for the rest of us. It says at the end of the article that there is no motive at this time which is not acceptable for me. I need answers.

Maybe it’s the fact that his name was so close to being Dwayne Johnson like “The Rock” and the weight of that falling through for him just became unbearable. Well sorry Michael, but The Rock would never partake in behavior like this. Along with being a movie star, that guy is a goddamn humanitarian and probably future President of these United States.  He would fucking Rock Bottom you so hard if he saw you committing a crime against humanity like this.


The punishment for a crime like this should be no less than 25 years to life. There are too many places in America that we can’t feel safe anymore and the local grocery store cannot become one of them. I will not let you ruin one of my favorite past times by having to worry about your most likely inefficiently wiped ass being pressed against my food. Thank goodness this story was not out of Florida where I live, which is almost always the case when some crazy shit like this is in the news. But either way, I will be extra cautious in the produce aisle moving forward. Fuck it, it’s football season, I’ll survive off nachos and pizza. I don’t need to be eating fruit until it’s shred season in the spring anyways.



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